Ocean of Drunken Stars
by Wolf-ofthe-Wilderness
Summary: The SO 3 world gets invaded by unlikely assailants, one of which could spell disaster for Cliff. How will they get rid of the unwanted guests…and pull Cliff’s hide out of the frying pan?
1. The Pink Menace and the Fanatic Fangirl

**Ocean of Drunken Stars**

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Ocean, tootsie rolls, or any other copywrited material. If I did, do you honestly think I would be here? XD

Chapter 1: The Pink Menace and the Fanatic Fangirl

The scene could've come from a fairytale: the sun shining, birds chirping, and a happy couple dancing in a field of flowers. It was spring in Elicoor, and the two were enjoying their day off at the mountains surrounding Greenton. –snickers- Of course, the peaceful scenery is misleading…

Richard looks like your regular "Prince-Charming" and Anne the "Princess"; the types who would receive stares from all everywhere they went, both admiring and envious. Richard stood still, smiling as he stared at the sky. "It is such a gorgeous day, isn't it my love?"

Anne smiles back at him, and took hold of his hand. "Yes, very lovely, just like these flowers."

Apparently, Anne has worse eyesight then the authoress, because the pink "flowers" were ears. Instead of plucking them as was her intention, she ended up raising the napping bunny. The pink fur ball woke up, giving Anne a dirty look as she placed it on the ground. Let's take a listen to the bunny's thoughts… 'Bloody hell, stupid fuc-' o.O On second thought, I want to keep this fic teen rated, so let's skip that –sweatdrops-. Richard, being none too bright, does something to piss off the bunny even more: he rubs the creature's head (evidently it doesn't like being touched). "Hey little fellow, where are your parents?"

The pink thing responds by whistling, causing the whole field to come alive with dozens of bunnies, each varying in size. Soon the field looks like an ocean of pink fur (no pun intended). Each rabbit stares at the couple, with an evil glint in their eyes. The couple freeze, their eyes widened in surprise and fear. Anne breaks the silence, trembling. "Richard…I'm afraid."

Richard grabs her hand. "Don't worry, we'll just go back--ack!"

His words were cut off, and the two screamed as the pink fuzz balls started to move forward. Needless to say, the couple were trampled—alive, but let's just say they won't be dancing in any fields any time soon. And where exactly are the bunnies headed? You'll see…

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Meanwhile, in the "real" world, an evil force was plotting…well, evil plots. She had already caused much chaos: subjugating hundreds of Cactuar to form her own personal army, making the entire race of Pokemon into her slaves (and for moving target practice), and robbing poor Cloud from FF7 of his beloved Omnislash sword. Said sword is currently strapped to her back.

Who is this nutcase? Folks, welcome the authoress, otherwise known as Talon! –a few half-hearted "yays" can be heard from readers, while others are ready to throw garbage…before being incinerated. Unsurprisingly, the yays turn into fervent cheers.-

Talon is in her backyard, playing "William Tell" with a rather unwilling Pikachu -yes, Pikachu must DIE.-. She aims the arrow at the blindfolded rat, which is shaking in fear. Talon smiles, "Don't worry, I happen to have excellent aim…"

Pikachu sighs in relief, but then Talon continues, "..though I did just have 2 bottles of vodka."

Pikachu actually does something smart: he throws the blindfold off and runs like hell, the apple falling to the ground. Talon curses and shoots once, the arrow missing the rodent by a hair. After hopping the fence, it faces Talon and sticks its tongue out at her. But the brain-dead Pikachu forgets that it is currently standing on a road, and immediately gets hit by a semi-truck. The driver stares at the road kill, then says (imagine the redneck "accent"), "Woo-wee! Looks like I'll be havin' barbecue tonight!"

Talon sighs, and tosses the bow and arrows aside. "I lose more Pikachus that way."

She heads inside her castle of doom, grinning at the thought of her new "quest". Today was the day she could enter the SO:3 world...one could feel pity for the occupants, for they were going to experience a new kind of hell…

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On Elicoor, particularly in the city of Peterny, preparation for the annual "Bunny Racing" festival was taking place. The origins of the festival lay with one man…namely the village idiot, Nutmeg. Nutmeg was on his usual duty to find the perfect fruit companion to talk with. This time he wanted an orange; why? To quote, "I think dem have perdy colors!". As he walked the streets, vendors eyeing him warily, Nutmeg failed to take notice of the small bunny in front of him; he stepped on the poor thing's tail. The pain sent the rabbit practically flying in a rush. So impressed were the people of the creature's speed (not to mention the fact that gambling was much desired) that they decided to create a sport dedicated to the bunnies: bunny racing. This, of course, led to the creation of the festival. As for Nutmeg, being what he was, he received no recognition for his "discovery".

Now for our heroes; Peppita and Roger were nowhere to be found, which was odd considering they wanted to participate in the race. Sophia was off collecting flowers for the festival, and Ardray was busy getting drunk at the local tavern. Cliff, Fayt, Nel, Albel, and Maria were investigating a strange portal on the outskirts of town. As for Mirage…-whistles innocently as screams and cursing can be heard in the distance.-

Cliff held a stick in one hand, and poked the purple-glowing portal. Needless to say, the portal neither moved nor said anything in response. Nel was the first to speak. "Is it possible that this portal could lead to another world?"

Albel snorted, sarcasm lining his tone, "No, after all, it hasn't been that long since we went to the 4-D realm…maggot."

In response, he was rewarded with a swift kick to the shin. Albel yelped, comically hopping on one foot, while Nel smirked. Cliff snickered, then added, "Why don't you two just go get a room? We all know that you both got a thing for each other, not to mention you two bicker like an old married couple-"

Nel and Albel both tackled the Klausian at the same time, and all three of them went crashing to the ground. Nel yanked Cliff's hair, while Albel was preparing to pull out his katana to shave Cliff bald. Fayt and Maria, though hiding chuckles, shook their heads and pretended to ignore their companion's brawl. Fayt was debating on whether or not to enter the portal, when a demonic laugh erupted from its depths. Music that suspiciously sounded like the Sephiroth theme began to play. The SO:3 crew froze and stared at the portal. Talon stepped forward, the huge-ass sword still on her back. Behind her were dozens of Cactuar, giggling with glee. The moment Talon's eyes rested on Cliff, she grinned; Cliff immediately felt like wetting himself. She looked at him like a hawk looks at a mouse.

To state the obvious, Talon said "I have come looking for the one called Cliff."

Without hesitation the SO:3 crew pointed at Cliff, and all said at the exact same time, "That's him."

He gave them all death glares, and sarcasm laced his words. "Gee, thanks guys for your support."

As Talon's gaze lingered on Cliff, her hazel eyes glazed over as fan-girlish fantasies appeared in her head…DIRTY fan-girlish fantasies…and no, I will NOT describe them to you. -mutters "Bloody hentai pervs..."- At that moment the Sephiroth theme stopped playing; a Cactuar was holding a boombox and decided to play a different, familiar tune: "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts!"

The song put a halt to Talon's perverted dreams, and an anime vein grew on the back of her head. The offending Cactuar took no notice of her anger and was in the process of dancing in front of the other cheering Cactuar. Talon snatched up the boombox and smacked the stupid dancing Cactuar, sending him flying into orbit. It could be heard yelling "Weeeeeeeeee!", while the other Cactuars stared in awe, each resounding with an "Ooooooo!" All except the Cactuars now sweatdropped…it was amazing how screwed up the Cactuar brain could be. Then again, maybe a Cactuar doesn't have a brain, but instead a pile of needles. Talon sighed, "That is the downside of having Cactuar for warriors; they are constantly afflicted with ADD.

Then she became serious. "Cliff must come with me."

Maria asked "Why?', gives Cliff a suspicious stare, 'did you cause any mischief in the 4-D realm?"

Cliff shook his head. "No….", notices everyone's focus now on him, staring, "…at least not any involving her."

Talon coughed, getting back their attention. "You see, I have come to force-er, I mean, convince him to become my emperor." She cackles evilly, joined by the hundreds of Cactuar. In response she glares at them, saying "Shush!"

Cliff looked torn between curious or scared-as-hell. He chose the former. "Emperor? Of what?"

Talon cackled, "Why, the entire world of course!"

Cliff faces his comrades, mouthing 'She's crazy!', and the others nod in agreement. Talon sees this and simply grins, nodding as well. Fayt tells her, "What if he refuses?"

Talon snaps her fingers, and the horde of Cactuar surrounds the SO crew. Cliff, however, is carried to Talon by one of the Cactuar. He tries to get free, but the creature's needles are caught in his leather outfit. Albel sneered. "Feh, these pathetic worms are nothing."

In short, the SO crew gets whooped. The Cactuars had all used their infamous 10,000 needle attack. Each of the SO crew looked like a human pincushion, with hundreds of needles protruding from their bodies, their eyes in the classic XX pose. Even the scenery looked like a pillow of needles. Talon was far off though, running with Cliff in tow, cackling. She pointed off into the sunset, shouting, "Onward to Airiglyph!"

Cliff sweatdropped, saying, "You're pointing in the opposite direction!"

Talon also sweatdrops, muttering "I knew that…"

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Will Cliff be rescued in time? Will all of Elicoor be destroyed by either the bunnies or Talon and her horde? Will she ever gain a sense of direction? And how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? The world may never know…..or answers may be found in the next chapter. :)

Remember peeps, review, for reviews make the world go round! Cliff pops up, "I thought it was money or love-", and is promptly shoved into a plot hole. Review!


	2. How the Invasion Began

**Ocean of Drunken Stars **

**Chapter 2: How the Invasion Began**

Author: Yes, I actually came back…though I feel like crap.

Cliff: -snickers loudly, till the author smacks him with a Cactuar, knocking him unconscious-

Author: -Grins and tosses the giggling Cactuar away- Anyway, the reason I'm typing like this now is cause….I feel like it. But don't worry, the story is still in the same format as before :D.

Nel: -sees Cliff and draws a pink beard on his face- This is for using my dagger as a hair razor!

Author: -chuckles, then turns serious at Nel's glare- On with the show!

Also, I do not own Invader Zim, Star Ocean 3, or Final Fantasy…because we all know how ridiculous that is.

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Now I bet you are wondering exactly how the horde of bunnies came to Elicoor –crowd shakes their head in disagreement, then change their minds upon seeing the authoress with a flamethrower in her hands-. Well, it all started two days ago…..

Cue Flashback 

Peppita and Roger wanted to win first prize in the bunny race: a rather large pile of candy, enough to make anyone become diabetic. Unfortunately, they needed a very fast bunny, which they didn't have. Shopping wasn't an option for two reasons: one, the stores were a bit pricey, and second, the two were no longer allowed to handle FOL thanks to a certain incident…

Cue Flashback…Again 

Picture the SO crew shopping, since they had nothing better to do. Poor Fayt was stuck with Peppita and Roger, as everyone else had run off without him. Peppita and Roger are both trying (and failing) to convince Fayt to give them FOL. Peppita gave Fayt puppy-eyes, "Fayt, can we pretty, pretty please have some money? Me and Roger need more candy!"

Fayt, of course, normally has enough sense to know that anything sugar-coated was last thing that the duo needed. However, Fayt had the majority of his attention elsewhere; namely the lady in the nearby shop who was on a ladder…wearing a skirt. Either she didn't think anything of it or her brain had taken a trip to space. Fayt was staring (yes, Fayt does have a dirty mind, much to our surprise), his eyes almost glued to the window. Methinks he has been hanging out with Cliff too much… Thus was the beginning of his folly. He smiled, mindlessly handing the pair 100 FOL.

As the two ran off in excitement, the dumb broad had finally noticed Fayt's attention and had walked up to him, fuming. An audible smack followed by a boyish yelp could be heard throughout town. And to add salt to open wounds, it wasn't long before the two sugar-high Peppita and Roger started running around town and causing mischief, followed by a yelling Fayt who now had a red-hand mark across his face. It was a day that the townspeople would not soon forget.

End Flashback 2 

But, as fate (no pun intended) would have it, a solution came out of nowhere. Two figures in a dark alley, wearing hooded robes, took interest in their distress. The taller figure speaks, the voice sounding suspiciously familiar. "I have the perfect solution for you human children." He handed them a small, rubics cube looking device. "This will bring the bunny that you desire."

Peppita and Roger say thanks and run off, leaving a cackling Zim behind, before the smaller figure breaks out in song and dances. "Doom doom doom! Doomy doom doom! Doomy doom doom doom doomy-"

Zim interrupts the robot, noticing the stares of passerby. "Silence Gir!"

"Yes sir!" Just then a taco cart was passing by. "I love tacos! Tacos tacos tacos tacos!" Even as Gir runs off and leaps into the taco cart, he can still be heard chanting "Tacos!" The taco seller shrieks in horror, and prepares to take a mallet and bash Gir on the head. The commotion soon brings the attention of guards. Zim grabs the small robot by the legs, and in the process get smacked by the mallet, sending the two flying through the air. Zim screeched, "I will have my revenge!" Gir added, munching on a taco, "I will have my taco!"

Now back to the two kids. Peppita and Roger were currently in the forest, ready to test their new device. Birds were chirping irritatingly, and even a bunch of furry animals stopped to watch them. Roger held the cube, with Peppita peering over his shoulder. On the cube was a small red, oval button labeled "Press Me Please". Roger did just that, causing a portal to instantly open up before them. They stared wide-eyed in excitement at its entrance, anticipating a bunny worthy of a champion title…and out hopped an amazingly tiny bunny. In fact, it was so small that the creature could fit in one's palm. Disappointment was written all over the duo's face, and Roger snorted in derision. "That puny thing is our ticket to first prize? The only way we could win is if we throw it!"

Roger wouldn't have said that if he knew what would happen next. This particular bunny could understand human speech, and what Roger had just said pissed the creature off; its dignity had been insulted, and the idea of being punted around made the insult worse. It let out a shrill whistle, and then the ground shook violently. Taking one look at the portal, the two ran like their feet were on fire in response. A horde of bunnies erupted out of the portal, and began to head towards Greenton. As for the tiny bunny (henceforth he shall be called "Tiny"), it was perched atop the head of a Godzilla sized bunny. Also, the cube device was trampled on, as well as the furry animals…and now kids, you know what had happened to Bambi and his woodland friends.

Finally End of Flashback 1 

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A few hours had passed since the Cactuar attack…and the gang was still in Peterny. Why, you ask? Because needles, especially so many, had to be plucked from our heroes. The process had not been particularly enjoyable, and things really got ugly when Albel had needles removed from his rear; the profanities that spewed forth from his mouth actually caused the doctor to go into a seizure. Said doctor will now be in rehab.

Now the group was debating on how to actually beat Talon and her Cactuar army. So far the best suggestion, courtesy of Sophia, was surprisingly violent: arm themselves with torches and burn the Cactuar. Yes, apparently Sophia has a dark side, and it was beginning to freak the rest of SO crew out. Fayt interjected, saying "Uh, it would work, except there is the possibility that everything else around the Cactuar would burn, including the town." Yes, but would that really be a bad thing? –notices stares- On second thought, pretend I didn't say anything…

Before anyone could get in another word, a knock came on the door. Albel, for once, decided to open it. The guard behind it was standing, pale as a sheet. He faced Albel, his voice slightly trembling. "Sir, you have a visitor." Then his voice became a whisper, desperation in his tone, "Sir, run while you can, run!"

Albel's face twisted with puzzlement, that is until the guard was shoved aside by a short figure. The stranger was obviously a woman, from the sight of her –ahem- bust and long shapely legs. Albel was caught staring by Nel, and when she gave a threatening cough, Albel's gaze finally went up to the face, hidden by a veil. 'Surely this wench isn't that bad looking.'

Unfortunately, Albel was wrong in this case. The moment the woman lifted the veil, Albel turned as pale as the guard had. The face belonged to an old, wrinkled woman, who was grinning, revealing a mouth with several missing teeth. If that wasn't shocking enough, her following words were: "I'm Sasha, your new wife."

Had Albel been like anyone else, he would have fainted dead on the spot the moment those words reached his ears. But, Albel being Albel, resisted the urge to skewer the crone with his katana (also thanks to the restraint of the author), and simply slammed the door shut and locked it. All the others couldn't help but sweatdrop, with an expression that clearly said "WTF?!"

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Author: Heh, I bet you weren't expecting that to happen.

Albel: -screams in the distance- You will die maggot!!!

Author: Looks like someone isn't too happy though…-prepares to run like hell-…Remember to review!


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